One week from tomorrow, God willing, we will welcome a fourth girl – Ella Rae – into our family. I was thinking tonight about the years we ached for just one child and the task we have now undertaken – raising 4 girls. It’s more than I ever hoped for, but now I’m praying (as I think all parents must) that it’s not more than I can handle…

As I think tonight about the mysteries of fathers and daughters, I randomly remembered this music video from our old pal Lindsay Lohan, back when she was a young starlet with a bright future. I don’t know how much of this is embellished and how much is autobiography, but I do remember how I felt when I saw it for the first time: physically ill. And maybe a little angry. And I am thinking now about the tragic turns her life has taken, and thinking that maybe we should have seen it coming back then.

I dream of another you, one who would never.
Never, leave me alone to pick up the pieces.
A Daddy to hold me, that’s what I needed.

Haunting. Especially for us father-types. When I see LiLo in a news story, I don’t see a hedonistic Hollywood celeb or a cautionary tale or a target of ridicule. I see the scared, angry, hurting little girl in this video. And I think two things:

One: Lindsay, you do have a Father dying to hold you, whole will never leave you alone, who will pick up the pieces. And He’s close. And it’s never too late.

Two: Dear God – make me like You so I don’t mess up my girls.

It’s not that I’m worried I will wake one day and realize I have suddenly become a violent alcoholic. Through the Spirit I’ve spent a lot of years of my life nailing a lot of natural inclinations (like bad temper and addictive personality) on a lot of big gnarly crosses. I’m also not thinking I will ever be perfect. I know I have a lot to learn, and that I’ll probably figure most of it out just in time to walk them down the aisle and hand them off to some other dude.

What I am concerned with is the thousand tiny steps from here to there – the millions of moments that make up the relationship between daddy and daughters. I want to get those right more than I get them wrong. I am a little worried I might wake up one day and realize I have suddenly become that distant, irrelevant, cold persona so many young girls see their father as. And I am hoping my concern is good proof that I’m on the right track.

So for what it’s worth, here’s what I think I know is important so far. I will be completely and uncomfortably transparent and tell you these are my prayers at the moment:

1. Four girls, a wife, and a neutered cat will live at my house. As the only dude in residence, I want to be a man, in every sense of the word, so my girls will know what that looks like. And so their future boyfriends fear for their safety. I pray I can learn from Jesus’ example how to be aggressive when it”s needed and lamb-like when it’s not, and what true masculinity is all about, beyond anatomy, meat-eating, and love of engine repair.
2. The prophet said of Jesus “a bruised reed he will not break.” As His disciple, I pray for a gentleness and discernment that will help me not crush the sensitive spirits of little girls with harsh words, impatience, or even good-natured teasing. I pray for the Holy Spirit to physically beat me senseless when I’m being a jerk to my wife or my girls. Maybe a tree could fall on my head from time time. That would do it.
3. I pray for eyes to see the unique gifts and greatnesses of each of my girls. They are all so different – the nature and nurture debate is settled for me – their personalities are hard-wired! And they all need to know they are just as God intended, that different is great, and they are fearfully and wonderfully made. Some people call that good self-esteem, I think of it more as healthy self-image – seeing who I am in through the eyes of the One who made me. I pray for the right words to encourage and build up and “fan into flame.”
4. I pray for the ability to provide security and stability for my family, so they can grow up without fear. I am also praying that God will help me rely on Him for security, stability, and provision, not just try to do it all myself. I’m still learning to trust. And I pray I win the lottery, even though I don’t play it. Or that at least one of them can get a football scholarship.
5. I pray Jesus will help me learn how to be a better husband. Fourteen years have come and gone, and I still don’t know what I’m doing. But my girls need to grow up with a real, live, functional “in-love” married couple living in their house so they know that it’s possible. It’s something I didn’t have modeled for me, and I am always needing the Spirit’s help to figure out how to make it better.
6. I pray God will keep me from sin and stupidity and boredom and idle hands. It would just be the absolute worst for my girls to have a hard time trusting or believing in God because I preached the Gospel then had a massive moral failure.
7. I pray my greatest achievements in discipleship would be leading Janae, Corinne, Maya, and Ella to become followers of Jesus – that they would not only be my daughters in the flesh, but my daughters in the Faith.
8. I pray I live a good long healthy  time so I can take my kids’ kids to Disneyland. And since faith without works is dead, I also pray for the discipline to get my sorry carcass back on the treadmill and to “just say no” to leftover Easter candy before I start losing appendages to retinopathy.
9. I pray all of my faults, weaknesses, and shortcomings would nullified by the grace, love, acceptance, and forgiveness of Jesus, shared freely in our home. I want our house to be a place of healing and hope. And I want my girls to rest knowing their father on Earth loves them, but their Father in Heaven loves them perfectly.

Maybe some of you older dads of daughters out there can give me a number ten – nine just seems incomplete. Or maybe you can just start a 12-step group for us. I’ll bring the brews.

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I’ve also been studying to teach about some of the “Hard Words of Jesus” at Redwood Hills. The upshot of both of those efforts is that I have been thinking a lot about Jesus’ ministry on a practical level – His words, His way of doing things, and how it affected the first generation of His disciples. A million deep thoughts come from that, but here’s one for today:

It’s hard to be like Jesus.

Anyone who’s known me for longer than 30 seconds knows I love Rich Mullins – even now so many years after his death, his words teach me. He wrote a song called “Hard” that addresses this very thing – it’s easy to get over-impressed with my general goodness – my Judeo-Christian American roots. My work ethic. the things I do and don’t do because I follow Jesus.

Well I do get a little much over-impressed
’til I think of Peter and Paul and the Apostles.
I don’t stack up too well against them, I guess,
But by the standards ’round here I ain’t doing that awful.

It’s hard to do what we know we should; it’s even harder to do it with the right heart, but that’s what Jesus asks of us. It is hard to be like Jesus. And I know I can’t even approach it on my own. Only the Holy Spirit, working in and through me, makes it even possible for me to do ONE right thing for the right reasons.

It’s a lot easier to stop at “legal” or “enough” or “acceptable.” It’s easier to justify, to forget, to judge others. It’s easier to lose track of days than it is to redeem the time.

But as I read the hard words of Jesus and the wisdom of Paul for young overseers, I want to do better, to reach farther, to try harder, to be a little more like Jesus every day. Not because it will make me successful or famous or even make me feel better, but because He is everything that is whole, healthy, beautiful, and right with the universe. If faith is a journey, I want to at least know that my chosen destination is a heart like his.

It’s a bit of a wistful rant, I know, and it’s nothing earth-shattering – just my thoughts today. I hope it encourages at least someone. It’s hard to be like Jesus. But He’s all I want to be. So no matter how hard, that’s what I’m going for. and through a thousand tiny corrections and revisions of heart and spirit and focus and action, may we each get a little closer every day. Oh – and here’s the lyrics to ponder – thanks Rich.

Well, I am a good Midwestern boy
I give an honest day’s work if I can get it
I don’t cheat on my taxes, I don’t cheat on my girl
I’ve got values that would make the White House jealous

Well, I do get a little much over-impressed
‘Til I think of Peter and Paul and the apostles
I don’t stack up too well against them I guess
But by the standards ’round here I ain’t doing that awful

Lord, it’s hard to turn the other cheek
Hard to bless when others curse you
Oh Lord, it’s hard to be a man of peace
Lord, it’s hard, oh it’s hard,
You know it’s hard to be like Jesus

And it’s hard to step out on them waves
Hard to walk beyond your vision
Oh Lord, it’s hard to be a man of faith
Lord, it’s hard (hard), Lord, it’s hard (so hard),
Oh Lord, it’s hard to be like Jesus
Don’t you know it’s hard (hard), oh it’s hard (yeah hard),
Oh Lord, it’s hard to be like Jesus

Well, His eye’s on the sparrow
And the lilies of the field I’ve heard
And He will watch over you and He will watch over me
So we can dress like flowers and eat like birds

And it’s hard when your soul had been stripped bare
Hard to lift your eyes toward Heaven
Oh Lord, it’s hard to be a man of prayer
Lord, it’s hard, oh it’s hard,
You know it’s hard to be like Jesus

Lord, it’s hard to be a man of peace
But it’s hard (so hard), ain’t it hard (hard),
You know it’s hard to be like Jesus

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Also in that intervening time I have been putting much thought and action into these faith concepts. Since not many people currently read this and no one is dying without new content, I am finding it more important to write something well-crafted than to just write something. But I am also going to try to keep these shorther – people got lives .

All preliminaries out of the way – I have been thinking a lot of how Jesus teaches us to do good things. It seems from the things He says that He is not only interested in what we do, but why and how we do it. Here’s an example:

Matthew 6

Giving to the Needy

 ¹“Be careful not to do your ‘acts of righteousness’ before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.

 ²“So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. ³But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, ⁴so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

Obviously it’s impossible to do every act of righteousness in complete secrecy. But the intent is clear (from this and many other verses) – Jesus’ command is that we think carefully about our motives for doing the good we do.

This is what makes people of faith so different than other activists. Our primary audience is Jesus, not public opinion. While we are certainly interested in teaching others to participate in the same activities, this is not our primary purpose for doing it. And whether or not someone participates in the same activities does not change our opinion of their importance – we are doing what Jesus told us to, not what we in our infinite wisdom have decided is important.

As such, it becomes very easy to recruit others to the same world-view – it isn’t ours, so we don’t have to be defensive, reactionary, or militant. We simply show by our humble service a better way to live and interact with the world as God intended. And that is not only radical and revolutionary, but also very infectious.

Let me give an example from a completely unrelated field that should bring this into sharp focus. There are three main rivals in the computing platform space – PCs running Windows, PCs running Linux, and Apple computers running the Mac OS. For the sake of argument, let’s leave out the open-source guys and compare the two you have to pay for (oooh – maybe I’ll get flamed by Linux enthusiasts!). Most Windows users use Windows because that’s what the computer came with that they were provided for work or school or from grandma for Christmas. Most Mac users use a Mac very deliberately – they have specifically chosen to spend more on the hardware and software and deal with lack of Mac support in the business space because they want to own and use a Mac.

Both have their reasons, but since Mac folk have made a conscious choice, they tend to be far more opinionated on the subject. This has lead to the birth of many a “Mac Evangelist”, most famously skewered in what is arguably the best Simpsons episode ever. 

I have no issue with Mac. In fact, I have great appreciation for the platform, the hardware, and salivate when I see an iPhone (curse you, two year contract with another cell phone company keeping me and iPhone coolness apart!). I do, however, use PCs exclusively in my work, and do so by choice, even though I work in the graphic design / video production / web world, and two out of three of those worlds are primarily peopled by Mac dudes and dudettes.

I have my reasons. First, I was too broke and too cheap in the beginning of my career to afford Macs. Now that I can, I have too much invested in PC software and gear to switch over (cause I’m still cheap). And in the Web space, which occupies 90% of my time now, there are a lot of things you just can’t do on a Mac (unless you boot it into the evil Windows OS).

These arguments hold no water with the Mac pushers. They openly mock my choices and deride my sad subservience to the evil, monolithic Microsoft Corporation (’cause Apple is far more open-source and non-monopolistic, unless of course you want to use your iPhone on another cell phone service. But I digress). Their scorn of my non Mapple-ness (see Simpsons clip above) does not make me want an Apple more. It makes me want to defend my lack of one. And it leaves a little twinge of unhappiness, cause if I could, I would join the club.

I don’t spend a lot of time trying to evangelize people in the way of the PC. Since you can get one almost for free these days and everybody’s got ‘em, I don’t have to. I also don’t actively look around for Mac users to tell them how silly they are for using a platform I don’t. But if someone observes the work I do, and asks me what I use, and then asks me why, I am glad to give my reasoned defense. And I often have more productive conversations in that scenario than I do trying to defend myself from angry Mac-abees, flaying me with their white iPod earbuds, because a person who asks a question is usually interested in the answer.

I think the reason so many folk think people of faith have a “I’m better than you because of the good stuff I do” attitude is because…well…we sometimes do. Rather than beat people over the head and try to advance our own sense of self-worth by displaying our righteous acts like an iPhone whipped out at a client meeting, the goodness God calls us to is to be evident to everyone, but the main target audience is Jesus Himself. It can’t be hidden, but we also can’t do it just to be seen. In the process of living like Jesus taught us, lots of folk will see it and ask questions. and then we have the chance to have a real conversation with someone who wants to know, not just an innocent PC-toting bystander.

This is of course where the analogy falls a bit short – we are also instructed clearly to purposefully go out and make disciples, which means we have to do more than passively do good and hope someone will ask about it. But most of our evangelizing is wasted on those who aren’t listening, and some attention to soil preparation and tactfully waiting for the right moment wouldn’t hurt our chances – might help quite a bit.

Long way to say a simple thing. But that’s how I roll. Gotta go reinstall Windows on a PC with the blue screen of death now. Stupid PCs.

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